<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>No more secrets, no more fear by StrangeNoise</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26235436">No more secrets, no more fear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeNoise/pseuds/StrangeNoise'>StrangeNoise</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reddie Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, Anxiety, Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Coming Out, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Feels, Gay Richie Tozier, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Pre-Relationship, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Self-Acceptance, The Kissing Bridge (IT), Tokens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:49:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,286</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26235436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeNoise/pseuds/StrangeNoise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After their finally battle with the clown, Eddie asks Richie about his token and Richie decides it's time to finally admit some things...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Written for day 3 of Reddie Week 2020. The prompt I chose was "Token" (duh)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reddie Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902409</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Reddie Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No more secrets, no more fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This reads far more than a prequel to yesterday's story than I had planned but I won't complain...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, can I ask you something?”</p>
<p> Richie turned to look at Eddie, who was climbing up the slight incline up to Derry’s main street right next to him. He only nodded, too exhausted from spending his night murdering an evil space clown to care much about anything Eddie might have to ask. The six of them had just climbed out of the quarry waters, where they’d been to clean off after their latest sewer adventure and were now heading back to the townhouse, where Richie planned ton sleeping for at least a week. <br/> <br/>“What’s the story behind your token?”, Eddie asked, and suddenly Richie was wide awake, “I didn’t really get that…”<br/> <br/>Richie hesitated. He had anticipated and feared this question for a good while now, and yet there had been no way to prepare him for when he would eventually have to answer it. Immediately, fear welled up in his chest, everything inside of him screaming at him to run, to deflect, to lie. Richie felt like he wasn't ready, like he would never be ready. The clown might be dead, but the fear of losing all his friends if they found out he was gay was very much alive and kicking. <br/> <br/>But then Richie looked at Eddie walking along by his side, the man who had saved his life mere hours ago, who had been by his side fighting a murderous alien clown not once but twice. Eddie stood before him now, covered in all sorts of dirt, grime, and his own blood and had probably gone through his personal hell today. If there was anything that could make him run for the hills at all, it surely wasn't Richie coming out to him. <br/> <br/>Desperately, Richie latched onto that little bit of rational thinking among all the fear, squared his shoulders, and nodded.<br/> <br/>"I'll tell you", he said, moved closer to Eddie's side and slung an arm around his shoulder, "But I need to take you on a little walk while I tell you because if you know my secret I might just have to kill you." <br/> <br/>"Fine", Eddie sighed, shrugging off Richie's arm and rolling his eyes. Richie called over to the other Losers, who were getting ready to return to the townhouse, that they would be gone for a little while longer and then led Eddie in the direction of the kissing bridge.<br/> <br/> <br/>They hadn't gotten too far when Eddie became impatient.<br/> <br/>"So? What's your big secret? I'm waiting."<br/> <br/>Richie only felt like drawing it out a little bit longer for a moment or two. But then he remembered what the purpose of all of this was and that he wanted to be brave and honest with his friend now. <br/> <br/>"But promise you won't hate me", he added nevertheless, and when Eddie only rolled his eyes once more and gestured for him to go on, Richie did. <br/> <br/>He told Eddie all about the summer, where they first encountered the clown and how he went to the arcade even more than usual after they all stopped spending time with each other. He told him about meeting Connor Bowers there and not even knowing, who the guy was for the longest time while he cultivated his little schoolboy crush on him. When Richie got to the part, where he admitted to having a crush on another boy, he tried to glance over at Eddie to gauge his reaction. It was difficult since they were walking next to each other and he couldn't really see the other man's face. But he thought he saw an expression of confusion for a while that slowly melted into understanding, and that was enough for him at that moment.<br/> <br/>They were almost at the kissing bridge when Richie finally got to the part, where the other Bowers showed up and he, his friends, and Connor called Richie a fag and threatened him until he ran for his life. Out of the corner of his eye, Richie could see Eddie tense and mutter some choice curse words under his breath. He was pretty sure he heard something among the lines of 'glad that fucker's finally dead' too and for some reason that brought a smile to his face.<br/> <br/>Finally, they arrived at the kissing bridge, and if Richie had thought he was nervous before, he learned there were several more layers of raw fear that he had never even known about before. Still, he was determined to go through with it. His feet guided him, and without even having to think about it, he found the spot where he carved his and Eddie's initials into the wood all those years ago. <br/> <br/>"To conclude my epic tale of failure and sexual repression, let me show you what I did for my biggest crush back then", with an awkward gesture he pointed at the two letters. R + E. They had faded over time but Richie was pretty sure Eddie would be able to still make them out. Or at least he hoped so. If he had to explain this, had to spell out what those two letters meant, he was pretty sure he would be consumed by fear and just die on the spot. <br/> <br/> <br/>Thankfully, Eddie got it immediately. He stared for a bit, then stared some more and finally turned to look at Richie. <br/> <br/>"Okay, just so I don't get things terribly wrong here", he said, looking remarkably calm for someone Riche knew could go into a full-blown manic rant at the drop of a hat, "You're into guys and you had a crush on me when we were kids?"<br/> <br/>Richie nodded slowly, still trying to read Eddie's expression and make sure he wasn't going to get hurt any second now. For several moments, he considered just not telling Eddie that recent events had shown him that said crush was still pretty much there but something inside of him yelled at Richie that he had already come so far and that he could take that little step further too. And so he did.<br/> <br/>"I mean...technically I think I still have that crush on you..."<br/> <br/>And with that, all courage left him. From one second to the next, Richie was terrified, his head spinning and he felt dizzy. One of his hands grabbed the bridge's railing on instinct, and he held onto it for dear life. At the same time, Richie still tried to look Eddie in the eyes to see if he was disgusted or just confused. But all he found on Eddie's face was worry. <br/> <br/>"Are you okay?"<br/> <br/>"I think I'm gonna be sick...", Richie muttered, feeling his stomach turn. Then, suddenly, a different expression took over Eddie's face.<br/> <br/>"Don't you dare", he threatened and Richie just blinked at him for a bit, "I don't care that you're gay or that you have a crush on me but if you throw up on me, we're done." <br/> <br/>And Eddie looked so sincerely furious as he said that, that Richie just couldn't help but laugh. He laughed and laughed, turning to lean against the railing of the bridge some more because he still felt like he was seconds from throwing up. And then the laughter turned into sobs that wracked through Richie's entire body, shaking him to his core. <br/>He couldn't believe he had finally been brave enough to tell someone - and his crush of all people - that he was gay. It was something he had barely admitted to himself in the middle of the night and in the loneliness of his own bedroom. Richie had never voiced that in front of another person, and at this point, he had convinced himself that he never would. But now that he had, it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off his chest, and he could finally breathe again.<br/> <br/>It took him a few moments to realize there was a warm hand rubbing soothing circles all over his upper back - and then that brought on another bout of sobs. This time, they were from the sheer relief that Eddie hadn't run for the hills, that he was still by Richie's side and not afraid to touch him. Richie started to feel a little silly for being worried about all of this for so long but he couldn't really think about it much when his thoughts were still racing wildly through his head, his heart pounding in his chest. <br/> <br/>He and Eddie stayed like this for a while longer. When the worst of Richie's panic had subsided, he allowed himself to collapse on the ground and sit down with his back to the railing. Eddie joined him a moment later. Silence fell between them for several long moments. <br/> <br/> <br/>"Well, that was embarrassing", Richie finally croaked out, rubbing at his eyes and still sniffling a little. <br/> <br/>"I think it was brave", Eddie said without hesitation, "And it means a lot to me that you told me. That couldn't have been easy." <br/> <br/>Richie nodded numbly, still in awe of the fact that Eddie had heard him ramble about all of this and was so damn accepting of it. Coming out to anyone had been Richie's biggest fear for decades but now that he had come out to the person, who mattered most, he was sure he could tell others too, and somehow that was the most wonderful thing Richie had ever felt.<br/>In fact, he was so caught up in his own emotions that he almost missed Eddie asking him another thing.<br/> <br/>"Do you want to know one of my secrets too?" <br/> <br/>Richie fought down the urge to joke about Eddie's wife or his mother and only nodded. If Eddie had dealt with his coming out without ridiculing him, surely Richie could be nice about whatever important secret Eddie was about to tell him.<br/> <br/>"I'm bisexual", Eddie said. Richie's world came to a screeching halt. His scattered thoughts were immediately laser-focused on the fact that Eddie liked men too. Within seconds, there was a raging battle going on inside Richie between "Oh my god I do have a chance" and "Dude, he's married and just because he's bi doesn't mean he'll be into you." and Richie sincerely hoped it wouldn't be too obvious on his face. <br/> <br/>"I've known for a while but I could never really admit it to myself", Eddie continued, looking down at his hands instead of anywhere else, "But when I saw you at the Jade I couldn't deny it anymore. I always kind of knew I felt a lot for you but I thought that was just because you were my best friend. But then I did some thinking and realized I only ever felt so strongly for you. Not for Bev or Bill or Ben or anyone else, really. Not even my own wife..."<br/> <br/>Eddie fumbled with the ring on his left hand as he spoke, and Richie just barely withstood the need to take it off of him and throw it in the river running along underneath them. Instead, he just sat there, unsure of what to do next. All his life, he had wanted for Eddie to love him back, and now that that seemed like an actual reality, Richie didn't know how to react.<br/> <br/>"God, we're a pair of idiots", he groaned finally and let out a dry laugh, "Just pining after one another for decades and thinking the other doesn't feel the same way..."<br/> <br/>"Honestly", Eddie agreed, chuckling, "When I think back to when we were kids...it's so obvious now, but back then I really didn't know what was going on." <br/> <br/>The two men turned to look at each other after a moment of silence, and goosebumps broke out all over Richie's skin at the sight of Eddie's warm smile. <br/> <br/> <br/>"What do we do now?" <br/> <br/>Richie didn't even mean to ask that, but somehow it had just come out of his mouth, and he watched a more thoughtful expression overtake Eddie's face. For a second, he was worried, but then Eddie slowly reached over to him and took one of Richie's hands in his, lacing their fingers together.<br/> <br/>"I can't promise that once I get home I'll break things off with my wife and leave my old life behind to be with you", Eddie said thoughtfully, his thumb running over the knuckles of Richie's fingers, "I have a lot of loose ends to tie up first and I'll need a ton of help. But I promise I'll get there eventually, and once I do, I'd love to go out with you." <br/> <br/>"And I promise I'll be waiting until you're ready", Richie replied without hesitation. A shiver ran down his spine and he felt giddy and vulnerable and way too many things all at once. But then Eddie squeezed his hand gently and they looked at each other once more and they just knew that they had been patient long enough, that they only needed to be patient for a little while longer until they could finally be together. The thought almost made Richie cry again.<br/> <br/> <br/>They sat there for a little while longer, the sun rising over Derry and for once the town didn't seem so glum and scary. Richie was already dreaming up a future with Eddie by his side, and when he turned to glance at the other man, he knew that Eddie was doing the same. <br/>Richie knew they would have to move eventually, leave this place and deal with their lives as they were right now. But for the time being, he was content to just sit there, in the spot he had carved his and Eddie's initials into the bridge, thinking it would never be, and hold Eddie's hand...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope everyone enjoyed it! Comments and kudos are appreciated and you can say hi on twitter - you know the drill ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>